writing is hard

Talking about my eating disorder is quite difficult, and so is writing about it. Instead of providing a soul-grabbing, emotion-stirring, thought-provoking monologue, here are some lists:

People who have made me feel bad about my body
My best friend in fifth grade, for being mean to me and running away from me at recess everyday
My mother, for many reasons
My little sister, indirectly because people always like her better and tell her she's pretty
The girls in my town, for being so confident and good at lacrosse

Things I have done to lose weight
Counted calories
Stopped eating carbs
Made myself throw up

Things I used to do everyday
Weigh myself
Look at myself in the mirror and cry
Pinch the skin on my thighs, and cry
Daydream about food
Wonder what death will be like
Yell at my mother, and then cry in my room alone

Things I am afraid of
Sandwiches
Rice
Speaking in class
Speaking in front of large audiences
Leaving the house without a jacket or shirt to cover my arms
The dark
Gaining weight
Being naked

Things that make me happy
Sunshine
Climbing mountains
Running through the woods
Chocolate
Friends who can make me laugh
Dresses
Iced coffee
Good dancers
My sister, because she actually is cooler than me

Things I've learned over the past few years
People are still nice to me even if I'm not thin
My presence and what I have to say is appreciated
My body is strong and I need it to be strong so I can run and hike
Food keeps my body strong

Recently my best friend who I thought was so strong and confident and safe relapsed. I felt like I was talking to a stranger- she hadn't eaten that day, and what she ate the night before she had thrown up. She had been doing this for two weeks. Mine had never been that bad- I never had that amount of control. But the feelings were familiar. Disgust at food entering your stomach, imagining it going to your thighs next. You are trapped. You can't remember a time when you didn't feel this way.

I haven't felt that way in a long time. More than my fear of gaining weight, I am afraid of relapse. I am so ridiculously happy right now, more than I ever could have imagined three or five or ten years ago. I wish I could show my ten-year-old self how amazing her life could be in the future, and thank her for keeping herself alive, even though she really didn't want to. But I doubt she would recognize me.

voices notes 2

I used to think that people wouldn't like me unless I was thin. That's because when I was little I was a bit overweight and no one liked me. Recently, my friend asked me when I decided to become "the sweetest person, like, ever." I told him it was after I was bullied in fifth grade. When all my friends stopped talking to me, I stopped talking to anyone, for a long while (or at least it felt that way). It was for maybe two years that I cringed at the sound of my own voice, expecting disapproval or seemingly harmless teasing; this fear follows me even today, when group discussions and participation points come close to giving me anxiety. I was conditioned to be as invisible as possible. Not being noticed was better.
I barely ate for about five years: it started by eliminating soda, then sweets, then all carbs. Sandwiches make me very nervous; so do rice and pasta. I ate 1200 calories every day, or fewer, if I could. My junior year of high school I started eating a lot, to cope with various stressors that all converged upon my life at once. I gaind weight, which stressed me more, and I ate more. I would make myself throw up after shoving half a pan of brownies down my throat. Every day I came home and weighed myself and cried alone in my bed and thought about what death would be like.
It's really hard to describe what happened to me, mainly for two reasons. The first is that I don't know how people will take it. I've only told close friends, and they've given me so much support and love both before and after I share my secrets that it makes me optimistic about telling more people. But I'm still wary of those who don't know me well and what their assumptions will be; this is only one part of me, not my whole person, and I would rather it not be the first thing people think of or refer to me as. And the second reason my story is difficult to tell is that it's so much- there are too many elements and factors and subplots that I have trouble remembering them all but I need to keep them straight and I need to give them all in one go. This story is unique, as each one is: it is not enough to say that I have an eating disorder, or that I was anorexic and bulimic and am in recovery. I need to tell the whole story.
It still comes back to me and affects many of the decisions I make in my day-to-day life. I am happier right now than I have ever been, but I still carry it with me and I can't imagine a time when I won't. Things have changed, though- I don't pinch the fat on my legs and imagine cutting it out with scissors. I don't start sobbing when I look at myself in the mirror- although I still do look.
When did I decide to become the "sweetest person, like, ever"? When I decided that what happened to me should not happen to anyone else. I deserve to enjoy my life, as do you.

sad!

I live in a universe where I can run seven miles and hate my body for being unfit the next day and I wish it wasn't like that

Conflict Theory Applied to Body Image and the Media

At what age did you go on your first diet? The prevalence of dieting, body dissatisfaction, and eating disorders in our society is alarming, especially since Americans consider concern about one’s weight to be normal. Body dissatisfaction has become so common and affects so many people- many of them teen- and college-aged women- that it is necessary to examine how and why this normalization occurred, and what can be done to create change. The way the media portrays body types and weight largely affects how society views and judges the way others and we look. Conflict theory, which argues that powerful groups and individuals use inequality to maintain order, can help explain the glorification of thinness by the power elite and media in America today, and why a complete overhaul of Americas’ standards for beauty is necessary to reduce the pervasiveness of eating disorders.

            Body dissatisfaction and eating disorders are becoming increasingly common, partially due to the influence of the media on body image. According to Wade, Keski-Rahkonen, & Hudson, over twenty million women and ten million men in America will be diagnosed with an eating disorder at some point in their lives (2011), and these numbers do not include those who privately suffer or are never diagnosed. Even those without full-fledged eating disorders are self-conscious about their bodies, leading to overall unhappiness and anxiety (Haworth-Heoppner 2000).

Researchers have observed that the increasing preoccupation with weight is linked to the unrealistic ideals promoted on television and in magazines. Adolescents idolize their favorite celebrities and want to act and look just like them, but many are unaware that the media uses digital manipulation such as Photoshop to make stars appear thinner (Bush Hitchon et al 2004). These ideals are often unattainable and women blame themselves for not being able to reach the “norm,” leading to body dissatisfaction (Choate 2007). Magazines associate thinness with beauty and attractiveness, and readers who do not develop eating disorders are also affected by these messages, and can experience anxiety over their appearance (Bush Hitchon et al 2004).

Besides the idolization of low weight celebrities, the media also blatantly disapproves of anyone outside the thin ideal. Television and magazines promote thinness as moral and being overweight as the opposite. In the past and in other cultures, being overweight and even obese was valued in a woman, as it signified the wealth of her father and later her husband. A “trophy wife” was one whose labor was not needed in order to provide for the family, so it was not necessary for her to be active or fit. Our ancestors associated thinness with illness or starvation, while being overweight was an attribute of the upper class. In twentieth century America, as consumerism became associated with immorality, so did being overweight. The media portrays overweight Americans as gluttonous, while society thinks of thinness as active, moral, and attractive. Those who are obese are considered to lack discipline, and it is seen as their own fault for not making healthy choices (Gruys and Saguy 2010). Along with the problem of exaltation of thinness, the media’s portrayal and thus society’s perception of obesity as innately wrong or bad must also change.

Conflict theory, developed by theorists including Max Weber, Karl Marx, and C. Wright Mills, can be used to explore body image portrayal and the media. Generally, conflict theory refers to the idea that there is dissension and conflict everywhere in society. Society is naturally stratified, with highly regarded individuals who hold wealth, power, and prestige at the top of the hierarchy. Karl Marx recognizes the bourgeoisie as the power-holders in society, and the proletariat as the oppressed working class. According to Marx, the bourgeoisie use power disparities to maintain the stratified social order. The ideas of the ruling class become popular culture, as those with a lower status strive to imitate those in power. Marx predicts a revolution in which the proletariat will overthrow the bourgeoisie and create a classless society. C. Wright Mills coined the term “sociological imagination,” which allows us to look at society through both history and our personal biographies. Mills names the members of the upper echelon “the power elite,” and agrees with Marx that these individuals hold positions in society that allow them to wield influence over others. Members of the power elite make decisions that have overarching effects on society and history. However, these individuals do not take responsibility for the effects of their actions and instead claim that events just “happen” (1956).

Conflict theory explains how social stratification has been maintained, and why some members of society are more likely to assume powerful roles.  However, this theory falls short in that it does not predict why or when people will work together, and does not explain the role of norms, values, and morality in society. Because of these limitations, functionalists such as Emile Durkham developed consensus theory, which asserts that society is naturally orderly and is static or is moving toward equilibrium, whereas conflict theory describes society as always changing and the social classes as conflicting instead of working together. Another shortcoming of Marx’s version of conflict theory is that the proletariat revolution did not happen (or has not yet happened).

Magazines and television are run by the powerful members of society, the power elite, and so represent the interests of this group. Because thinness is associated with the upper class in today’s society, it is also portrayed as being linked to power, success, and happiness (Bush Hitchin et al 2004). People want to be thin so they will more closely imitate the power elite. The media claims that anyone can make the personal decision to make healthy choices and be thin, and those who don’t are flawed and can be blamed for their lack of discipline. People with eating disorders, skewed in their perceptions of their own weights, blame themselves for lacking the discipline necessary to be thin, and therefore to be beautiful and powerful; it is their own personal flaw. However, a conflict theorist would look at the prevalence of eating disorders in society and ask why so many people have the same personal flaw, and if it is a personal flaw at all but instead a problem with society’s perception of thinness as the ideal. Even if all the Americans suffering from an eating disorder were to recover today, tomorrow there would be more people who begin to harbor a negative body image or exhibit behaviors associated with an eating disorder. In order to prevent eating disorders and body dissatisfaction from occurring at all, the societal standard of thinness as the ideal must change (Barkan 2012). As Marx described, a complete overhaul of society’s standards for beauty is necessary in order to change the way people think about body image.

Conflict theory does not perfectly analyze perception of body image in our society because eating disorders are not necessarily stratified according to class, class being one of the focuses of conflict theory (Crisp and McClelland 2001). Since eating disorders are not necessarily linked to social class, it would not be necessary to overthrow the elite as the rulers of society in order to change media portrayal of thinness, as Marx wanted. Instead, the current ideals of the elite and the whole society must change. Because the media has such an influence over society, it can actually aid this shift by portraying individuals of all shapes and sizes as healthy and normal, and not emphasizing dieting or losing weight as necessary to be happy or successful. However, because the power elite controls the media, this group must lead the shift. In the meantime, average Americans can be critical and aware of the unrealistic beauty standard the media portrays, and not let this cultural aspect affect the way their lifestyles and personal body image (Choate 2007).

Application of conflict theory to eating disorders, specifically body image and the media, can help the public understand that not conforming to the ideal of thinness does not indicate a lack of discipline, and is not a personal flaw. The media associates thinness with the power, wealth, and prestige of the power elite, and so Americans strive to imitate these individuals and be thin. In order to reduce the prevalence of body dissatisfaction and eating disorders, it will be necessary to completely change the way the power elite and media portray beauty. In the meantime, it is possible to be critical and aware of the media’s skewed beauty standards and begin to transition toward a healthier body image.

Works Cited

Barkan, Steven. 2012. A Primer on Social Problems. Creative Commons.  

Bush Hitchon, Jacqueline, Sung-Yeon Park, Shiela Reaves, and Gi Woong Yun. 2004.

“’You Can Never Be Too Thin’-or Can You? A Pilot Study on The Effects of

Digital Manipulation of Fashion Models’ Body Size, Leg Length, and Skin Color.”Race, Gender and Class 11(2):140-155. 

Choate, Laura Hensley. 2007. “Counseling Adolescent Girls for Body Image Resilience:

Strategies for School Counselors.” Professional School Counseling 10(3): 317-

326.

Crisp, A. and L. McClelland. 2001. “Anorexia nervosa and social class.” The

International Journal of Eating Disorders 29(2): 150-156.  

Mills, C. Wright. 1956. The Power Elite. New York: Oxford University Press.

Gruys, Kjerstin and Abigail C. Saguy. 2010. “Morality and Health: News Media

Constructions of Overweight and Eating Disorders.” Social Problems 57(2): 231-250.

Haworth-Hoeppner, Susan. 2000. “The Critical Shapes of Body Image: The Role of

Culture and Family in the Production of Eating Disorders.” Journal of Marriage and Family 62(1): 212-227.

Wade, T. D., Keski-Rahkonen A., & Hudson J. 2011. “Epidemiology of eating

disorders.” Pp. 343-360 in Textbook in Psychiatric Epidemiology, edited by M. Tsuang and M. Tohen. 3rd ed. New York: Wiley.

Una citazione

"I would rather be ten pounds heavier than have an ED again." -Madeline Killen

Madeline texted me this last night when I was majorly struggling with my body image and the weight I've gained here, and as I would say in Italian, mi ha colpito molto (it really hit me). Yes I've gained weight but it does not have to make me hate myself or give me anxiety. I would rather be happy than be thin. Maybe the problem is that I'm not super happy right now, but I'm not unhappy either. I'm excited to see what the next term will bring and am excited to be around my friends and do lots of things I love, like run and hike and go outside in the sunshine and just walk around campus.

Week 3: Inspirations and Influences

I never thought about the difference between inspirations and influences before reading the post on this subject on My Purple Dreams. 
Purple Dreamer's friend says: "I guess someone who inspires you motivates you, and someone who influences you impacts your behavior."
Madeline Killen says: "Influences blend into the finished product and inspirations just spark the process."
So very similar ideas. 
I like to think that every experience I have influences me. My eating disorder and problems with my mother have influenced me. My friends have influenced me- mostly by allowing me to take life at a slower pace, plan less, and worry less about my problems. My dad's ideologies and expectations have been a big influence on me, especially in terms of the value of education, honesty, and trying your best. My travels in Europe last summer influenced me- being around only my friend Sara, I felt that I was able to be myself all the time and by the end I felt so comfortable with my identity. The places I experienced and observed changed me, in a way I can't put my finger on. I was excited and enthusiastic, open, and ready to embrace life. My term in Italy has changed me in a different way- I think it's made me a lot more mellow and content, as opposed to wildly and intensely happy. I'm excited to return to Dartmouth soon and hope I can get that lovely happy feeling back. 
In terms of inspirations- my friends inspire me with their actions and words to make changes in my life and stay positive. I love cool art and sayings and I always read positive quotes online, especially when I'm feeling down. My friend Madeline inspired me to train for a marathon. Rome has inspired me to write this blog, because it made me feel the need to be creative. People at Dartmouth constantly inspire me- everyone has a different story and has had such special experiences and accomplishments. Instead of making me feel small they make me want to grow and be my best self and do all these cool things, too. 

All of my experiences and observations are tiny pieces that have aggregated and intertwined and become parts of my identity. 

L'atletismo

It's becoming difficult for me eating so much here and watching myself gain weight, but I'm leaving Friday and can go to London and eat much smaller portions, and then return to the US and eat whatever I want.
Something that's been hard for me to come to terms with is that what my body looks like does not necessarily correlate to my athleticism. I comfortably ran 10 miles Friday which is half marathon territory and I just decided that I want to train for a marathon. I am not out of shape. I've definitely lost a little muscle in my core from not doing any strength training, but being able to run for an hour and a half is nothing to sneeze at. Endurance wise, I'm in excellent shape.
On the other hand, I've gained about ten pounds here, meaning I'm heavier than I have ever been, and I feel like I don't look like an athlete anymore. It's a very weird balance between how I feel and how I see myself versus how I wonder other people see me, and I know I shouldn't care but inside I very much do. I think part of the problem is that the food I'm eating is delicious, but doesn't make me feel clean or healthy. My host mom presents me with a giant bowl of rice for dinner and then two pieces or focaccia. It's very heavy and I'm not benefitting my body. I'm very much looking forward to getting back and eating food that makes me feel good about myself.

Quando torno

I just had a horrible thought: What if people don't like me when I get back because I've gained weight?
Wow I just want to slap myself right now I can't believe I'm publishing this on the internet.
But honestly this post needs to be written. Because younger me had an intense fear of gaining weight and how people would react if I weighed more.
I am a person. I have a lovely personality and I bring positivity and energy to the room and sometimes I'm even funny. People don't hang out with me because of what I like look (I proved that to myself when I stopped wearing makeup). Chances are no one will even notice that I've gained weight but even so I haven't changed, so why would anyone think any differently of me?
I'm also quite confident that I can lose the weight after just a few weeks of eating normally, so there's that.
This is a legitimate fear, though. It's important to remember that our bodies do not define our whole selves. Our bodies are what we look like; our souls are who we are. Our appearance doesn't change the way others view us, so why should we hate on ourselves because of how we look? My body is not what makes me beautiful.

Condividere

I always tell myself and my friends that I want to start being more open about my eating disorder and my recovery process. But, as always, saying and doing are very different things. What would "being more open" mean? It's not something I want to have to sit people down and explain. But it's not usually something I can casually bring up in conversation. So how to approach actually telling people?
Another concern is that I have no idea how people will react. Usually when I tell people they treat it as very normal and serious. But I've only told close friends, and I'm afraid that if I share it publicly or tell people I don't know as well they'll make it into something scandalous, which is exactly what I don't want. I want me sharing my story to facilitate removing the stigma associated with eating disorders, but I'm very afraid that it will do the opposite and that people will treat it as a secret instead of asking me about it.

Week 2: Favorite Childhood Memory

This prompt was very easy for me to answer once I thought about it for about three seconds. I tell this story all the time.
When I was little, my dad had a two-ticket Saturday plan at Shea Stadium, so I have a wonderful memory of going to Mets games on Saturdays and hanging out with him. We would bring peanut butter sandwiches and drink chocolate Yoohoos and I started to really like baseball. We still watch sports together, mainly the New York Rangers, and drink egg creams at home and eat popcorn.
They have Yoohoos at supermarkets here in Italy which is completely random and I bought one a few weeks ago and drank it and it was pretty nice.

Is this what normal looks like?

Is this what normal looks like?

Age 10, 90 lbs
They ran away from me at recess
They didn't want to be near me
I hid in the bathroom everyday
Until the lunch lady told me I couldn't anymore
I hid in my red jacket
"Why don't you ever take that off?"

Age 11, 90 lbs
"You wanna lose weight?"
My mother asked me
"Stop eating chips for lunch.
Stop eating bread with dinner,
Start doing squats, it'll make your butt look nicer."
Does nicer mean smaller?

Age 12, 90 lbs
No thank you, I don't drink soda.
No thank you, I don't eat sweets.
I don't eat bread, rice, or pasta.
Maybe, let me check how many calories it has first.

Age 13, 90 lbs
"Wow, Dru, I didn't recognize you!
You look so good!"

Age 15, 100 lbs
Well, the guy doesn't love me
My best friend doesn't love me...
My father to my mother: "Dru, why don't you love me?"
Me to my pillow: "Mom, why don't you love me?"
Me to myself: How could someone ever love me?

Age 16, 120 lbs
I can't do this anymore
I can't stop
It helps
It hurts
I'm full..
No, you're empty.
It feels so good
But so horrible coming back up
I can't stop
I can't do this anymore.

Age 17, 125 lbs
I just ran 6.2 miles, in a row
I felt like I was flying!
I felt like I never wanted to stop!
I felt like life had pulled me in and wrapped its arms around me and would never let me go
...thank you body

Age 19.5
James told me to step outside my comfort zone
Sharing this is very uncomfortable
I don't want it to be that way.
I haven't checked the scale in a while
I don't know how many calories I ate today
And i don't wanna know
I can run a half marathon,
I've run three half marathons (self call)
I still pinch the skin on my thighs and suck in my stomach and cover my arms
I still cringe when he touches me
"No, I don't want you to take my dress off."
I don't wear jeans anymore, or makeup
I don't start crying when I see myself in the mirror
Or when I think about my mom
Or ever, really
Except now,
I cried while writing this

Is this what normal feels like?

Week 1: What is Beauty?

You might notice I've taken a break from Italian titles! Don't get too comfy, this is a special case. Inspired by My Purple Dreams, I'm going to begin posting weekly topics in the form of a Weekly Blog Challenge.
First topic:

What is Beauty? 

I'm not sure I have an answer for this. I think beauty is relative. As my mother would say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Something completely and astronomically wonderful to me can mean nothing to someone else, and vice versa. And then there's the question of physical beauty versus a subject or language that inspires wonder and love, and so is beautiful, or a person that glows so much from the inside that anyone who sees them is awed. I think sunsets are beautiful because they're pretty, and linguistics is beautiful because it has a flow and order, and my sister is beautiful because she has an incredible energy inside her and always makes me laugh (and is gorgeous, hi Cath). My definition changes wherever I go and whatever I see. 
SO here are a ton of different ways I view beauty. 

In a person: Happiness, confidence, passion. Complete love for oneself and for the world. Kindness and thoughtfulness. Intelligence and profound observations. I try to see something beautiful in everyone. 

In the sky: Deep blue, lots of stars. Sunrise and sunset. 

In a movie or book: Lots of twists and turns that lead to a beautiful ending. 

In poetry: Words that give me chills, stated simply and concisely. 

The ocean, the sea, lakes, rivers. 

In a city: Eye-catching architecture, clean streets, lots of greenery like grass and trees. Color. Friendly people. Being able to find myself in a crowd and remain anonymous (my introverted nature). A gorgeous view from above. 

In a day: Sunshine, true friends, laughing, coffee, good food, an interesting lesson, warm hugs, exercise. 

In a knitted hat: Color and a pleasing design. 

In a friend: Someone who makes me feel wanted, enjoys being around me, appreciates what I have to say, encourages me to be my best, makes me laugh! 

In myself: I feel the most beautiful during and after a run or other workout, when I'm sweating and I can feel my muscles working and I know my body is strong. I feel beautiful with or without makeup, when I'm wearing a dress or a flannel. I feel beautiful when I'm laughing or when someone laughs at my joke. I feel beautiful when my cat cuddles next to me. I feel beautiful when I'm speaking about something I love and it actually makes sense. I feel beautiful walking around in the sunshine at Dartmouth. I feel beautiful dancing around to music I love. 

I see a lot more beauty in the world now than I did before. I am surrounded by things I call beautiful. And I'm really grateful for this. 

Vita e morte

Grim, but we're all going to die. Maybe in the distant future, maybe really soon.

Here's what prompted this post: I had a dream the other night that I died. There was an explosion near me as I was walking home and I couldn't see or breathe because of the smoke. I fell to the ground, which was hot. And then I woke up. That same night, my friend had a dream where I was climbing something and fell off and died. This FREAKED me out for several days and while I was walking around in Florence on Friday I became extremely nervous- what if I died tomorrow? Today? Right now? And these thoughts were horrible and made me anxious but after the fact I can say three things:

1. I used to crave death. Junior year of high school I hated my life so much; I could see no escape from my misery and I thought about dying every day. I can't even imagine this now. I love my life and I want to continue living it. There are so many things, simple and extraordinary, that I enjoy doing. I enjoy being in Rome, a huge city where I am among so many people but still anonymous. I enjoy knitting hats and right now I'm almost done with a beanie with moose on it. I'm looking forward to going to London in a few weeks and exploring with two friends from school who I haven't seen since November. I could list so much more but it would seriously go on forever and I think you get the idea. I don't want to die. Life is too good, and I appreciate the fact that I''m still here to live it.

2. If I were to die, would I be satisfied with how I've lived my life? I think so. I'm a pretty good person. I have goals, and I'm working towards them. I speak my mind and don't let words go unsaid. Maybe I would regret not sharing my struggles with more people, but I'm working on that (example, this blog)

3. Death doesn't care if I deprived myself of an extra piece of cake. It doesn't matter in the afterlife. Why shouldn't I eat what I want to, as long as I feel healthy and am strong enough to do the things I love? Life is too short to worry about what I look like. I could die tomorrow, and it will no longer matter what I did or did not eat because I will no longer exist to care about it. So why should I care now? Brb while I eat that cake, because I want to and because it'll make me happy and because in the grand scheme of things the universe will not be disturbed. Indulge yourself. You can diet once you're dead.

Honestly, this post is not meant to be depressing. Please read it in in uplifting light.

Energia

Something my mom told me once that I repeat to myself many times a week is: your body needs fuel in order to function. Food is that fuel. Food provides you with energy you need to go about your daily activities and do all the things you love to do. There's a reason people get hangry- without energy any activity is tiring and annoying, especially social interaction, because your mind misses the fuel, as well. You always feel better after eating because you're filled with new energy. You can concentrate better and do more with your day.
I am a runner. Over the course of a week I run anywhere between 15 and 25 miles on top of walking around Rome and just going about my life. If I don't eat enough the day before a run it is extremely obvious to me because my legs will tire easily and I can't go as far. Running is the thing that keeps me going and it is absolutely necessary for me to eat proper amounts of healthy, delicious food each and every day. No dieting. Proper eating.
Whatever you love to do, you need the proper amount of energy to do it. Feed your mind and body so you can do all the activities that make you happy!

Parlare e l'atmosfera di positività

Ciao, ragazzi! I want to talk a bit about how changes in conversation can help create a more positive, accepting atmosphere in regard to our bodies. If this post seems a little rambly, I apologize, I'm a bit fired right now.
We only had one class today so eight of us took a lil field trip and went bowling this afternoon (!!!). After an extremely fun and bonding game where some of us revealed our secret affinity for this random sport, we were all thoroughly pooped and hopped on the bus home. After a while a conversation started about our individual exercise and eating habits here. Most of the students in this program are pretty athletic, and I'm one of the few who does not belong to a gym in Rome (I run in the morning before class). Which is great!! I am a huge believer in exercise as therapy, as running is what really helped me to start loving myself and my life, so it's awesome that many students have continued healthy habits here.
Then the conversation turned to weight and food. Some students were saying how they eat a lot less and healthier here in Rome, while others shared that they are presented with dinner for about three people every night (I fall into this category, not complaining though; I love eating). There were laments about weight gain. One student commented that he had "almost became bulimic" because he eats so much at night, and another said that he had stopped eating lunch to counteract the large dinners, to which my friend replied, "Yeah, I should start doing that, too..."
At this point I jumped in: "OKAY, I think this is a good time to remind everyone that it's National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, and we should all love and appreciate our bodies and not talk about weight gain and calories because it can be triggering for some people."
And I'm very happy I said this, because immediately the conversation stopped and moved on, and my friend later thanked me for intervening. But I can't believe it's necessary for me to say something like this. Yes, it's difficult to realize that a conversation is unhealthy when you are not triggered by it yourself, but it's important to stay mindful of this reality. It's not okay to treat an eating disorder lightly, as in saying your dinners are so big you might become bulimic. That's not the same thing: bulimia is a traumatic illness associated with depression and self-hatred. It's not about food alone, but more about your feelings toward yourself. And it is not something to joke about in a conversation about weight loss.
What also bothers me is when a person constantly puts themselves down in conversation, especially their body. Continuously saying, "I used to wear things like that before I was fat" or "You look great in that, you're so thin/in shape, unlike me" only reinforces the already negative thinking. And it's a problem when no one does anything to stop the negativity. It shouldn't be considered normal to have these opinions about yourself and slip them into conversation without a thought. These are major red flags.
I think we should all remind ourselves and the world to create an atmosphere of positivity and acceptance for ourselves and for others. Even if a discussion about weight gain and dieting has no psychological effect on you, it definitely could on someone listening in. Instead of talking about how much weight you have to lose or how much you've eaten, talk about how much you enjoyed your run that morning and how good it made you feel about yourself. A conversation shift could become a change in mindset. Don't walk home from school because you ate too much that day. Walk home because you like the way it makes your legs and your lungs feel, and because it's a beautiful day and you want to enjoy the sunshine. In these ways we can set the example of a healthy self-image, and remove the bad example of an emphasis solely on losing weight. The theme is overall health, not just weight and calories for the sake of being thin.

ll trucco

In high school, I was addicted to wearing makeup. That probably sounds very strange, but it's true. I never went in public without it, and if someone saw me without it I felt extremely self-conscious and embarrassed. I remember feeling weird during freshman trips because I couldn’t wear any. During freshman fall, I slowly got used to the idea of wearing makeup less and less, as I would walk around in pajamas and glasses and surprisingly no one cared what I looked like! People still wanted to talk to me and be my friend. Over freshman year it became less of a big deal to roll out of bed and go to class without any mascara or eyeliner. 

Over the summer, I had plans to travel in Europe for six weeks with my friend Sara. I told myself, okay, this is it: this is where the addiction ends. I promised myself I would not wear makeup for the entirety of the trip. I would walk around in public, wearing a dress and hiking boots, and feel comfortable. I would pose for and post photographs of myself, feeling beautiful just the way I was. And it worked. I wore makeup exactly twice during the six weeks, so I broke my oath; but even so, I no longer considered makeup to be an important part of my life. I didn't even think about it anymore. Sophomore fall, I barely ever wore makeup; I put it on weekend nights to go out and that was about it. Now I feel very confident in myself no matter what I'm wearing. 

Here in Italy, where every person I see on the street or tram is dressed to the nines in the latest style and every woman wears a full face of makeup, there is more pressure for me to look nice. I wear a dress or leggings and a sweater everyday instead of a sweatshirt and sneakers. I actually do something with my hair instead of throwing it up in a bun. And I wear makeup more often. Almost all the girls in my program do the same. It bothers me a bit that I feel the need to do this, because I do not want to return to the naked vulnerability I felt when I used to go out without makeup. However, as my friend Daniela said to me last night, I need to put myself in the mindset of wearing makeup for myself, not for others. I should do it because it makes me feel good, not because I'm afraid other people won't think I'm pretty without it. It's an ongoing process that I'm working on. There's no reason for extremes: I don't need to always wear makeup, or always not wear it. As my dad says, everything in moderation; I can be comfortable with myself either way. 

Chi è?

You may be wondering, what does "Vita del Girasole" mean?
If you're asking this question I'll assume you do not speak Italian. The title of this blog is in Italian primarily because I am in Italy right now, and I wanted the name to reflect this huge part of my current life.
The title translates to life of the sunflower. 
If I were an ancient pagan, I would definitely be a sun-worshipper. When I step outside into a brilliant sunny day, I feel transformed. The sun is my healer and my rejuvenator. I can't stand being inside on a beautiful day. Sunshine has an incredibly cathartic effect.
The sunflower moves itself to maximize its reception of the sun's rays throughout the day, and in this way I am a sunflower. It is my spirit flower. If I have a house someday I want it to be surrounded by a field of sunflowers and I'm going to paint all the walls yellow and have lots of photos of the sunrise/set (my favorite times of day) and sunflowers all over.
And this blog is about my life, specifically my recovery. Vita del Girasole= my experience as a happy, healthy human, living my best life and enjoying it.

Perchè?

Hello! Welcome to my little piece of the universe. It means a lot to me that you're here; the fact that I've shared this blog with you means that you are a special part of my life, and I appreciate that you're taking the time to read this. 

I wasn't sure how to begin my story, so I guess I'll start with this: why? Why am I writing this blog? What moved me to create it and what will I be writing about? 

Well, I've been in Italy for a month and a half now. I'm on a language study abroad program through Dartmouth, and fifteen other students and I are living and learning here in Rome. We're housed with host families, who give us breakfast and dinner during the week and three meals on the weekends. I absolutely ADORE my host mom, who is young, thoughtful, and the most excellent cook. The meals, however, have bothered me a bit. At home, I have the ability to monitor carefully what I'm eating to make sure I'm getting enough protein and am not overdoing the calories. It's not the same here at all. First let me say that everything is delicious and unlike anything you would find in America. Second, it's all carbs, especially for a vegetarian like me. For breakfast I drink an espresso and eat a yogurt and toast and sometimes a croissant, or I save the croissant for later. For lunch I have a panino (sandwich) with cheese and veggies. Later I have a snack of gelato or a pastry or my croissant from breakfast. And every dinner consists of a primo (first dish) of pasta, soup, or rice; a secondo (main dish) of a protein like cheese, tofu, or a veggie burger; a contorno (side dish) of veggies or salad; and frutta, either an apple or clementine. It's a lot more food than I'm used to, and I'm eating a ton more carbs and less protein than I do in America. For me, eating this way is a part of the lifestyle and culture here, and I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible while remembering that any weight I gain I will be able to lose very quickly at Dartmouth just by eating normally. But it does make me a little anxious when my clothes are a bit tighter, or when my muscles are extra tired on runs. 

Also, recently a few people close to me have developed behaviors associated with an eating disorder. I love these people and this upsets me very much; that another person is going through a pain and self-hatred similar to what I experienced breaks my heart, and I find myself needing to do something without knowing exactly what. Telling a person who hates they way they look that they are beautiful doesn't change anything. I can offer advice, but will it make any difference? 

The best thing I can think of to help is to share my own experience. Reading recovery stories has always helped me retain hope for myself, and remind myself that happiness is possible. Every story is unique and you can learn something new from each one. 

Talking about my eating disorder and mental health in general is something I've always struggled with. It's an exceptionally intimate thing to share with another person. I don't know how others will react or if their opinion of me will change. But talking about mental health is EXTREMELY important. There are people out there struggling in silence, afraid to ask for help because an eating disorder is so taboo and embarrassing in today's society. I want to be part of a change in this mindset. As someone once told me, everyone struggles with something, and this is what I struggle with. This past year, I've starting disclosing parts of my story to close friends and then a few not so close friends. I've been searching for an outlet to reach a larger audience without telling the entire world, and also a way to organize my thoughts and offer advice. 

SO, here it is: my story. Written in many parts, from many different angles, because my eating disorder and my recovery are complex and multifaceted. Yes, I am more than my eating disorder, but it has profoundly influenced my life, my mindset, and my development as a person, and I shouldn't have to hide such a fundamental part of myself from the world. Here I am.