Perchè?

Hello! Welcome to my little piece of the universe. It means a lot to me that you're here; the fact that I've shared this blog with you means that you are a special part of my life, and I appreciate that you're taking the time to read this. 

I wasn't sure how to begin my story, so I guess I'll start with this: why? Why am I writing this blog? What moved me to create it and what will I be writing about? 

Well, I've been in Italy for a month and a half now. I'm on a language study abroad program through Dartmouth, and fifteen other students and I are living and learning here in Rome. We're housed with host families, who give us breakfast and dinner during the week and three meals on the weekends. I absolutely ADORE my host mom, who is young, thoughtful, and the most excellent cook. The meals, however, have bothered me a bit. At home, I have the ability to monitor carefully what I'm eating to make sure I'm getting enough protein and am not overdoing the calories. It's not the same here at all. First let me say that everything is delicious and unlike anything you would find in America. Second, it's all carbs, especially for a vegetarian like me. For breakfast I drink an espresso and eat a yogurt and toast and sometimes a croissant, or I save the croissant for later. For lunch I have a panino (sandwich) with cheese and veggies. Later I have a snack of gelato or a pastry or my croissant from breakfast. And every dinner consists of a primo (first dish) of pasta, soup, or rice; a secondo (main dish) of a protein like cheese, tofu, or a veggie burger; a contorno (side dish) of veggies or salad; and frutta, either an apple or clementine. It's a lot more food than I'm used to, and I'm eating a ton more carbs and less protein than I do in America. For me, eating this way is a part of the lifestyle and culture here, and I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible while remembering that any weight I gain I will be able to lose very quickly at Dartmouth just by eating normally. But it does make me a little anxious when my clothes are a bit tighter, or when my muscles are extra tired on runs. 

Also, recently a few people close to me have developed behaviors associated with an eating disorder. I love these people and this upsets me very much; that another person is going through a pain and self-hatred similar to what I experienced breaks my heart, and I find myself needing to do something without knowing exactly what. Telling a person who hates they way they look that they are beautiful doesn't change anything. I can offer advice, but will it make any difference? 

The best thing I can think of to help is to share my own experience. Reading recovery stories has always helped me retain hope for myself, and remind myself that happiness is possible. Every story is unique and you can learn something new from each one. 

Talking about my eating disorder and mental health in general is something I've always struggled with. It's an exceptionally intimate thing to share with another person. I don't know how others will react or if their opinion of me will change. But talking about mental health is EXTREMELY important. There are people out there struggling in silence, afraid to ask for help because an eating disorder is so taboo and embarrassing in today's society. I want to be part of a change in this mindset. As someone once told me, everyone struggles with something, and this is what I struggle with. This past year, I've starting disclosing parts of my story to close friends and then a few not so close friends. I've been searching for an outlet to reach a larger audience without telling the entire world, and also a way to organize my thoughts and offer advice. 

SO, here it is: my story. Written in many parts, from many different angles, because my eating disorder and my recovery are complex and multifaceted. Yes, I am more than my eating disorder, but it has profoundly influenced my life, my mindset, and my development as a person, and I shouldn't have to hide such a fundamental part of myself from the world. Here I am.