"I would rather be ten pounds heavier than have an ED again." -Madeline Killen
Madeline texted me this last night when I was majorly struggling with my body image and the weight I've gained here, and as I would say in Italian, mi ha colpito molto (it really hit me). Yes I've gained weight but it does not have to make me hate myself or give me anxiety. I would rather be happy than be thin. Maybe the problem is that I'm not super happy right now, but I'm not unhappy either. I'm excited to see what the next term will bring and am excited to be around my friends and do lots of things I love, like run and hike and go outside in the sunshine and just walk around campus.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Week 3: Inspirations and Influences
I never thought about the difference between inspirations and influences before reading the post on this subject on My Purple Dreams.
Purple Dreamer's friend says: "I guess someone who inspires you motivates you, and someone who influences you impacts your behavior."
Madeline Killen says: "Influences blend into the finished product and inspirations just spark the process."
So very similar ideas.
I like to think that every experience I have influences me. My eating disorder and problems with my mother have influenced me. My friends have influenced me- mostly by allowing me to take life at a slower pace, plan less, and worry less about my problems. My dad's ideologies and expectations have been a big influence on me, especially in terms of the value of education, honesty, and trying your best. My travels in Europe last summer influenced me- being around only my friend Sara, I felt that I was able to be myself all the time and by the end I felt so comfortable with my identity. The places I experienced and observed changed me, in a way I can't put my finger on. I was excited and enthusiastic, open, and ready to embrace life. My term in Italy has changed me in a different way- I think it's made me a lot more mellow and content, as opposed to wildly and intensely happy. I'm excited to return to Dartmouth soon and hope I can get that lovely happy feeling back.
In terms of inspirations- my friends inspire me with their actions and words to make changes in my life and stay positive. I love cool art and sayings and I always read positive quotes online, especially when I'm feeling down. My friend Madeline inspired me to train for a marathon. Rome has inspired me to write this blog, because it made me feel the need to be creative. People at Dartmouth constantly inspire me- everyone has a different story and has had such special experiences and accomplishments. Instead of making me feel small they make me want to grow and be my best self and do all these cool things, too.
All of my experiences and observations are tiny pieces that have aggregated and intertwined and become parts of my identity.
Purple Dreamer's friend says: "I guess someone who inspires you motivates you, and someone who influences you impacts your behavior."
Madeline Killen says: "Influences blend into the finished product and inspirations just spark the process."
So very similar ideas.
I like to think that every experience I have influences me. My eating disorder and problems with my mother have influenced me. My friends have influenced me- mostly by allowing me to take life at a slower pace, plan less, and worry less about my problems. My dad's ideologies and expectations have been a big influence on me, especially in terms of the value of education, honesty, and trying your best. My travels in Europe last summer influenced me- being around only my friend Sara, I felt that I was able to be myself all the time and by the end I felt so comfortable with my identity. The places I experienced and observed changed me, in a way I can't put my finger on. I was excited and enthusiastic, open, and ready to embrace life. My term in Italy has changed me in a different way- I think it's made me a lot more mellow and content, as opposed to wildly and intensely happy. I'm excited to return to Dartmouth soon and hope I can get that lovely happy feeling back.
In terms of inspirations- my friends inspire me with their actions and words to make changes in my life and stay positive. I love cool art and sayings and I always read positive quotes online, especially when I'm feeling down. My friend Madeline inspired me to train for a marathon. Rome has inspired me to write this blog, because it made me feel the need to be creative. People at Dartmouth constantly inspire me- everyone has a different story and has had such special experiences and accomplishments. Instead of making me feel small they make me want to grow and be my best self and do all these cool things, too.
All of my experiences and observations are tiny pieces that have aggregated and intertwined and become parts of my identity.
Monday, March 14, 2016
L'atletismo
It's becoming difficult for me eating so much here and watching myself gain weight, but I'm leaving Friday and can go to London and eat much smaller portions, and then return to the US and eat whatever I want.
Something that's been hard for me to come to terms with is that what my body looks like does not necessarily correlate to my athleticism. I comfortably ran 10 miles Friday which is half marathon territory and I just decided that I want to train for a marathon. I am not out of shape. I've definitely lost a little muscle in my core from not doing any strength training, but being able to run for an hour and a half is nothing to sneeze at. Endurance wise, I'm in excellent shape.
On the other hand, I've gained about ten pounds here, meaning I'm heavier than I have ever been, and I feel like I don't look like an athlete anymore. It's a very weird balance between how I feel and how I see myself versus how I wonder other people see me, and I know I shouldn't care but inside I very much do. I think part of the problem is that the food I'm eating is delicious, but doesn't make me feel clean or healthy. My host mom presents me with a giant bowl of rice for dinner and then two pieces or focaccia. It's very heavy and I'm not benefitting my body. I'm very much looking forward to getting back and eating food that makes me feel good about myself.
Something that's been hard for me to come to terms with is that what my body looks like does not necessarily correlate to my athleticism. I comfortably ran 10 miles Friday which is half marathon territory and I just decided that I want to train for a marathon. I am not out of shape. I've definitely lost a little muscle in my core from not doing any strength training, but being able to run for an hour and a half is nothing to sneeze at. Endurance wise, I'm in excellent shape.
On the other hand, I've gained about ten pounds here, meaning I'm heavier than I have ever been, and I feel like I don't look like an athlete anymore. It's a very weird balance between how I feel and how I see myself versus how I wonder other people see me, and I know I shouldn't care but inside I very much do. I think part of the problem is that the food I'm eating is delicious, but doesn't make me feel clean or healthy. My host mom presents me with a giant bowl of rice for dinner and then two pieces or focaccia. It's very heavy and I'm not benefitting my body. I'm very much looking forward to getting back and eating food that makes me feel good about myself.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Quando torno
I just had a horrible thought: What if people don't like me when I get back because I've gained weight?
Wow I just want to slap myself right now I can't believe I'm publishing this on the internet.
But honestly this post needs to be written. Because younger me had an intense fear of gaining weight and how people would react if I weighed more.
I am a person. I have a lovely personality and I bring positivity and energy to the room and sometimes I'm even funny. People don't hang out with me because of what I like look (I proved that to myself when I stopped wearing makeup). Chances are no one will even notice that I've gained weight but even so I haven't changed, so why would anyone think any differently of me?
I'm also quite confident that I can lose the weight after just a few weeks of eating normally, so there's that.
This is a legitimate fear, though. It's important to remember that our bodies do not define our whole selves. Our bodies are what we look like; our souls are who we are. Our appearance doesn't change the way others view us, so why should we hate on ourselves because of how we look? My body is not what makes me beautiful.
Wow I just want to slap myself right now I can't believe I'm publishing this on the internet.
But honestly this post needs to be written. Because younger me had an intense fear of gaining weight and how people would react if I weighed more.
I am a person. I have a lovely personality and I bring positivity and energy to the room and sometimes I'm even funny. People don't hang out with me because of what I like look (I proved that to myself when I stopped wearing makeup). Chances are no one will even notice that I've gained weight but even so I haven't changed, so why would anyone think any differently of me?
I'm also quite confident that I can lose the weight after just a few weeks of eating normally, so there's that.
This is a legitimate fear, though. It's important to remember that our bodies do not define our whole selves. Our bodies are what we look like; our souls are who we are. Our appearance doesn't change the way others view us, so why should we hate on ourselves because of how we look? My body is not what makes me beautiful.
Condividere
I always tell myself and my friends that I want to start being more open about my eating disorder and my recovery process. But, as always, saying and doing are very different things. What would "being more open" mean? It's not something I want to have to sit people down and explain. But it's not usually something I can casually bring up in conversation. So how to approach actually telling people?
Another concern is that I have no idea how people will react. Usually when I tell people they treat it as very normal and serious. But I've only told close friends, and I'm afraid that if I share it publicly or tell people I don't know as well they'll make it into something scandalous, which is exactly what I don't want. I want me sharing my story to facilitate removing the stigma associated with eating disorders, but I'm very afraid that it will do the opposite and that people will treat it as a secret instead of asking me about it.
Another concern is that I have no idea how people will react. Usually when I tell people they treat it as very normal and serious. But I've only told close friends, and I'm afraid that if I share it publicly or tell people I don't know as well they'll make it into something scandalous, which is exactly what I don't want. I want me sharing my story to facilitate removing the stigma associated with eating disorders, but I'm very afraid that it will do the opposite and that people will treat it as a secret instead of asking me about it.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Week 2: Favorite Childhood Memory
This prompt was very easy for me to answer once I thought about it for about three seconds. I tell this story all the time.
When I was little, my dad had a two-ticket Saturday plan at Shea Stadium, so I have a wonderful memory of going to Mets games on Saturdays and hanging out with him. We would bring peanut butter sandwiches and drink chocolate Yoohoos and I started to really like baseball. We still watch sports together, mainly the New York Rangers, and drink egg creams at home and eat popcorn.
They have Yoohoos at supermarkets here in Italy which is completely random and I bought one a few weeks ago and drank it and it was pretty nice.
When I was little, my dad had a two-ticket Saturday plan at Shea Stadium, so I have a wonderful memory of going to Mets games on Saturdays and hanging out with him. We would bring peanut butter sandwiches and drink chocolate Yoohoos and I started to really like baseball. We still watch sports together, mainly the New York Rangers, and drink egg creams at home and eat popcorn.
They have Yoohoos at supermarkets here in Italy which is completely random and I bought one a few weeks ago and drank it and it was pretty nice.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Is this what normal looks like?
Is this what normal looks like?
Age 10, 90 lbs
They ran away from me at recess
They didn't want to be near me
I hid in the bathroom everyday
Until the lunch lady told me I couldn't anymore
I hid in my red jacket
"Why don't you ever take that off?"
Age 11, 90 lbs
"You wanna lose weight?"
My mother asked me
"Stop eating chips for lunch.
Stop eating bread with dinner,
Start doing squats, it'll make your butt look nicer."
Does nicer mean smaller?
Age 12, 90 lbs
No thank you, I don't drink soda.
No thank you, I don't eat sweets.
I don't eat bread, rice, or pasta.
Maybe, let me check how many calories it has first.
Age 13, 90 lbs
"Wow, Dru, I didn't recognize you!
You look so good!"
Age 15, 100 lbs
Well, the guy doesn't love me
My best friend doesn't love me...
My father to my mother: "Dru, why don't you love me?"
Me to my pillow: "Mom, why don't you love me?"
Me to myself: How could someone ever love me?
Age 16, 120 lbs
I can't do this anymore
I can't stop
It helps
It hurts
I'm full..
No, you're empty.
It feels so good
But so horrible coming back up
I can't stop
I can't do this anymore.
Age 17, 125 lbs
I just ran 6.2 miles, in a row
I felt like I was flying!
I felt like I never wanted to stop!
I felt like life had pulled me in and wrapped its arms around me and would never let me go
...thank you body
Age 19.5
James told me to step outside my comfort zone
Sharing this is very uncomfortable
I don't want it to be that way.
I haven't checked the scale in a while
I don't know how many calories I ate today
And i don't wanna know
I can run a half marathon,
I've run three half marathons (self call)
I still pinch the skin on my thighs and suck in my stomach and cover my arms
I still cringe when he touches me
"No, I don't want you to take my dress off."
I don't wear jeans anymore, or makeup
I don't start crying when I see myself in the mirror
Or when I think about my mom
Or ever, really
Except now,
I cried while writing this
Is this what normal feels like?
Age 10, 90 lbs
They ran away from me at recess
They didn't want to be near me
I hid in the bathroom everyday
Until the lunch lady told me I couldn't anymore
I hid in my red jacket
"Why don't you ever take that off?"
Age 11, 90 lbs
"You wanna lose weight?"
My mother asked me
"Stop eating chips for lunch.
Stop eating bread with dinner,
Start doing squats, it'll make your butt look nicer."
Does nicer mean smaller?
Age 12, 90 lbs
No thank you, I don't drink soda.
No thank you, I don't eat sweets.
I don't eat bread, rice, or pasta.
Maybe, let me check how many calories it has first.
Age 13, 90 lbs
"Wow, Dru, I didn't recognize you!
You look so good!"
Age 15, 100 lbs
Well, the guy doesn't love me
My best friend doesn't love me...
My father to my mother: "Dru, why don't you love me?"
Me to my pillow: "Mom, why don't you love me?"
Me to myself: How could someone ever love me?
Age 16, 120 lbs
I can't do this anymore
I can't stop
It helps
It hurts
I'm full..
No, you're empty.
It feels so good
But so horrible coming back up
I can't stop
I can't do this anymore.
Age 17, 125 lbs
I just ran 6.2 miles, in a row
I felt like I was flying!
I felt like I never wanted to stop!
I felt like life had pulled me in and wrapped its arms around me and would never let me go
...thank you body
Age 19.5
James told me to step outside my comfort zone
Sharing this is very uncomfortable
I don't want it to be that way.
I haven't checked the scale in a while
I don't know how many calories I ate today
And i don't wanna know
I can run a half marathon,
I've run three half marathons (self call)
I still pinch the skin on my thighs and suck in my stomach and cover my arms
I still cringe when he touches me
"No, I don't want you to take my dress off."
I don't wear jeans anymore, or makeup
I don't start crying when I see myself in the mirror
Or when I think about my mom
Or ever, really
Except now,
I cried while writing this
Is this what normal feels like?
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