Week 1: What is Beauty?

You might notice I've taken a break from Italian titles! Don't get too comfy, this is a special case. Inspired by My Purple Dreams, I'm going to begin posting weekly topics in the form of a Weekly Blog Challenge.
First topic:

What is Beauty? 

I'm not sure I have an answer for this. I think beauty is relative. As my mother would say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Something completely and astronomically wonderful to me can mean nothing to someone else, and vice versa. And then there's the question of physical beauty versus a subject or language that inspires wonder and love, and so is beautiful, or a person that glows so much from the inside that anyone who sees them is awed. I think sunsets are beautiful because they're pretty, and linguistics is beautiful because it has a flow and order, and my sister is beautiful because she has an incredible energy inside her and always makes me laugh (and is gorgeous, hi Cath). My definition changes wherever I go and whatever I see. 
SO here are a ton of different ways I view beauty. 

In a person: Happiness, confidence, passion. Complete love for oneself and for the world. Kindness and thoughtfulness. Intelligence and profound observations. I try to see something beautiful in everyone. 

In the sky: Deep blue, lots of stars. Sunrise and sunset. 

In a movie or book: Lots of twists and turns that lead to a beautiful ending. 

In poetry: Words that give me chills, stated simply and concisely. 

The ocean, the sea, lakes, rivers. 

In a city: Eye-catching architecture, clean streets, lots of greenery like grass and trees. Color. Friendly people. Being able to find myself in a crowd and remain anonymous (my introverted nature). A gorgeous view from above. 

In a day: Sunshine, true friends, laughing, coffee, good food, an interesting lesson, warm hugs, exercise. 

In a knitted hat: Color and a pleasing design. 

In a friend: Someone who makes me feel wanted, enjoys being around me, appreciates what I have to say, encourages me to be my best, makes me laugh! 

In myself: I feel the most beautiful during and after a run or other workout, when I'm sweating and I can feel my muscles working and I know my body is strong. I feel beautiful with or without makeup, when I'm wearing a dress or a flannel. I feel beautiful when I'm laughing or when someone laughs at my joke. I feel beautiful when my cat cuddles next to me. I feel beautiful when I'm speaking about something I love and it actually makes sense. I feel beautiful walking around in the sunshine at Dartmouth. I feel beautiful dancing around to music I love. 

I see a lot more beauty in the world now than I did before. I am surrounded by things I call beautiful. And I'm really grateful for this. 

Vita e morte

Grim, but we're all going to die. Maybe in the distant future, maybe really soon.

Here's what prompted this post: I had a dream the other night that I died. There was an explosion near me as I was walking home and I couldn't see or breathe because of the smoke. I fell to the ground, which was hot. And then I woke up. That same night, my friend had a dream where I was climbing something and fell off and died. This FREAKED me out for several days and while I was walking around in Florence on Friday I became extremely nervous- what if I died tomorrow? Today? Right now? And these thoughts were horrible and made me anxious but after the fact I can say three things:

1. I used to crave death. Junior year of high school I hated my life so much; I could see no escape from my misery and I thought about dying every day. I can't even imagine this now. I love my life and I want to continue living it. There are so many things, simple and extraordinary, that I enjoy doing. I enjoy being in Rome, a huge city where I am among so many people but still anonymous. I enjoy knitting hats and right now I'm almost done with a beanie with moose on it. I'm looking forward to going to London in a few weeks and exploring with two friends from school who I haven't seen since November. I could list so much more but it would seriously go on forever and I think you get the idea. I don't want to die. Life is too good, and I appreciate the fact that I''m still here to live it.

2. If I were to die, would I be satisfied with how I've lived my life? I think so. I'm a pretty good person. I have goals, and I'm working towards them. I speak my mind and don't let words go unsaid. Maybe I would regret not sharing my struggles with more people, but I'm working on that (example, this blog)

3. Death doesn't care if I deprived myself of an extra piece of cake. It doesn't matter in the afterlife. Why shouldn't I eat what I want to, as long as I feel healthy and am strong enough to do the things I love? Life is too short to worry about what I look like. I could die tomorrow, and it will no longer matter what I did or did not eat because I will no longer exist to care about it. So why should I care now? Brb while I eat that cake, because I want to and because it'll make me happy and because in the grand scheme of things the universe will not be disturbed. Indulge yourself. You can diet once you're dead.

Honestly, this post is not meant to be depressing. Please read it in in uplifting light.

Energia

Something my mom told me once that I repeat to myself many times a week is: your body needs fuel in order to function. Food is that fuel. Food provides you with energy you need to go about your daily activities and do all the things you love to do. There's a reason people get hangry- without energy any activity is tiring and annoying, especially social interaction, because your mind misses the fuel, as well. You always feel better after eating because you're filled with new energy. You can concentrate better and do more with your day.
I am a runner. Over the course of a week I run anywhere between 15 and 25 miles on top of walking around Rome and just going about my life. If I don't eat enough the day before a run it is extremely obvious to me because my legs will tire easily and I can't go as far. Running is the thing that keeps me going and it is absolutely necessary for me to eat proper amounts of healthy, delicious food each and every day. No dieting. Proper eating.
Whatever you love to do, you need the proper amount of energy to do it. Feed your mind and body so you can do all the activities that make you happy!

Parlare e l'atmosfera di positività

Ciao, ragazzi! I want to talk a bit about how changes in conversation can help create a more positive, accepting atmosphere in regard to our bodies. If this post seems a little rambly, I apologize, I'm a bit fired right now.
We only had one class today so eight of us took a lil field trip and went bowling this afternoon (!!!). After an extremely fun and bonding game where some of us revealed our secret affinity for this random sport, we were all thoroughly pooped and hopped on the bus home. After a while a conversation started about our individual exercise and eating habits here. Most of the students in this program are pretty athletic, and I'm one of the few who does not belong to a gym in Rome (I run in the morning before class). Which is great!! I am a huge believer in exercise as therapy, as running is what really helped me to start loving myself and my life, so it's awesome that many students have continued healthy habits here.
Then the conversation turned to weight and food. Some students were saying how they eat a lot less and healthier here in Rome, while others shared that they are presented with dinner for about three people every night (I fall into this category, not complaining though; I love eating). There were laments about weight gain. One student commented that he had "almost became bulimic" because he eats so much at night, and another said that he had stopped eating lunch to counteract the large dinners, to which my friend replied, "Yeah, I should start doing that, too..."
At this point I jumped in: "OKAY, I think this is a good time to remind everyone that it's National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, and we should all love and appreciate our bodies and not talk about weight gain and calories because it can be triggering for some people."
And I'm very happy I said this, because immediately the conversation stopped and moved on, and my friend later thanked me for intervening. But I can't believe it's necessary for me to say something like this. Yes, it's difficult to realize that a conversation is unhealthy when you are not triggered by it yourself, but it's important to stay mindful of this reality. It's not okay to treat an eating disorder lightly, as in saying your dinners are so big you might become bulimic. That's not the same thing: bulimia is a traumatic illness associated with depression and self-hatred. It's not about food alone, but more about your feelings toward yourself. And it is not something to joke about in a conversation about weight loss.
What also bothers me is when a person constantly puts themselves down in conversation, especially their body. Continuously saying, "I used to wear things like that before I was fat" or "You look great in that, you're so thin/in shape, unlike me" only reinforces the already negative thinking. And it's a problem when no one does anything to stop the negativity. It shouldn't be considered normal to have these opinions about yourself and slip them into conversation without a thought. These are major red flags.
I think we should all remind ourselves and the world to create an atmosphere of positivity and acceptance for ourselves and for others. Even if a discussion about weight gain and dieting has no psychological effect on you, it definitely could on someone listening in. Instead of talking about how much weight you have to lose or how much you've eaten, talk about how much you enjoyed your run that morning and how good it made you feel about yourself. A conversation shift could become a change in mindset. Don't walk home from school because you ate too much that day. Walk home because you like the way it makes your legs and your lungs feel, and because it's a beautiful day and you want to enjoy the sunshine. In these ways we can set the example of a healthy self-image, and remove the bad example of an emphasis solely on losing weight. The theme is overall health, not just weight and calories for the sake of being thin.

ll trucco

In high school, I was addicted to wearing makeup. That probably sounds very strange, but it's true. I never went in public without it, and if someone saw me without it I felt extremely self-conscious and embarrassed. I remember feeling weird during freshman trips because I couldn’t wear any. During freshman fall, I slowly got used to the idea of wearing makeup less and less, as I would walk around in pajamas and glasses and surprisingly no one cared what I looked like! People still wanted to talk to me and be my friend. Over freshman year it became less of a big deal to roll out of bed and go to class without any mascara or eyeliner. 

Over the summer, I had plans to travel in Europe for six weeks with my friend Sara. I told myself, okay, this is it: this is where the addiction ends. I promised myself I would not wear makeup for the entirety of the trip. I would walk around in public, wearing a dress and hiking boots, and feel comfortable. I would pose for and post photographs of myself, feeling beautiful just the way I was. And it worked. I wore makeup exactly twice during the six weeks, so I broke my oath; but even so, I no longer considered makeup to be an important part of my life. I didn't even think about it anymore. Sophomore fall, I barely ever wore makeup; I put it on weekend nights to go out and that was about it. Now I feel very confident in myself no matter what I'm wearing. 

Here in Italy, where every person I see on the street or tram is dressed to the nines in the latest style and every woman wears a full face of makeup, there is more pressure for me to look nice. I wear a dress or leggings and a sweater everyday instead of a sweatshirt and sneakers. I actually do something with my hair instead of throwing it up in a bun. And I wear makeup more often. Almost all the girls in my program do the same. It bothers me a bit that I feel the need to do this, because I do not want to return to the naked vulnerability I felt when I used to go out without makeup. However, as my friend Daniela said to me last night, I need to put myself in the mindset of wearing makeup for myself, not for others. I should do it because it makes me feel good, not because I'm afraid other people won't think I'm pretty without it. It's an ongoing process that I'm working on. There's no reason for extremes: I don't need to always wear makeup, or always not wear it. As my dad says, everything in moderation; I can be comfortable with myself either way. 

Chi è?

You may be wondering, what does "Vita del Girasole" mean?
If you're asking this question I'll assume you do not speak Italian. The title of this blog is in Italian primarily because I am in Italy right now, and I wanted the name to reflect this huge part of my current life.
The title translates to life of the sunflower. 
If I were an ancient pagan, I would definitely be a sun-worshipper. When I step outside into a brilliant sunny day, I feel transformed. The sun is my healer and my rejuvenator. I can't stand being inside on a beautiful day. Sunshine has an incredibly cathartic effect.
The sunflower moves itself to maximize its reception of the sun's rays throughout the day, and in this way I am a sunflower. It is my spirit flower. If I have a house someday I want it to be surrounded by a field of sunflowers and I'm going to paint all the walls yellow and have lots of photos of the sunrise/set (my favorite times of day) and sunflowers all over.
And this blog is about my life, specifically my recovery. Vita del Girasole= my experience as a happy, healthy human, living my best life and enjoying it.

Perchè?

Hello! Welcome to my little piece of the universe. It means a lot to me that you're here; the fact that I've shared this blog with you means that you are a special part of my life, and I appreciate that you're taking the time to read this. 

I wasn't sure how to begin my story, so I guess I'll start with this: why? Why am I writing this blog? What moved me to create it and what will I be writing about? 

Well, I've been in Italy for a month and a half now. I'm on a language study abroad program through Dartmouth, and fifteen other students and I are living and learning here in Rome. We're housed with host families, who give us breakfast and dinner during the week and three meals on the weekends. I absolutely ADORE my host mom, who is young, thoughtful, and the most excellent cook. The meals, however, have bothered me a bit. At home, I have the ability to monitor carefully what I'm eating to make sure I'm getting enough protein and am not overdoing the calories. It's not the same here at all. First let me say that everything is delicious and unlike anything you would find in America. Second, it's all carbs, especially for a vegetarian like me. For breakfast I drink an espresso and eat a yogurt and toast and sometimes a croissant, or I save the croissant for later. For lunch I have a panino (sandwich) with cheese and veggies. Later I have a snack of gelato or a pastry or my croissant from breakfast. And every dinner consists of a primo (first dish) of pasta, soup, or rice; a secondo (main dish) of a protein like cheese, tofu, or a veggie burger; a contorno (side dish) of veggies or salad; and frutta, either an apple or clementine. It's a lot more food than I'm used to, and I'm eating a ton more carbs and less protein than I do in America. For me, eating this way is a part of the lifestyle and culture here, and I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible while remembering that any weight I gain I will be able to lose very quickly at Dartmouth just by eating normally. But it does make me a little anxious when my clothes are a bit tighter, or when my muscles are extra tired on runs. 

Also, recently a few people close to me have developed behaviors associated with an eating disorder. I love these people and this upsets me very much; that another person is going through a pain and self-hatred similar to what I experienced breaks my heart, and I find myself needing to do something without knowing exactly what. Telling a person who hates they way they look that they are beautiful doesn't change anything. I can offer advice, but will it make any difference? 

The best thing I can think of to help is to share my own experience. Reading recovery stories has always helped me retain hope for myself, and remind myself that happiness is possible. Every story is unique and you can learn something new from each one. 

Talking about my eating disorder and mental health in general is something I've always struggled with. It's an exceptionally intimate thing to share with another person. I don't know how others will react or if their opinion of me will change. But talking about mental health is EXTREMELY important. There are people out there struggling in silence, afraid to ask for help because an eating disorder is so taboo and embarrassing in today's society. I want to be part of a change in this mindset. As someone once told me, everyone struggles with something, and this is what I struggle with. This past year, I've starting disclosing parts of my story to close friends and then a few not so close friends. I've been searching for an outlet to reach a larger audience without telling the entire world, and also a way to organize my thoughts and offer advice. 

SO, here it is: my story. Written in many parts, from many different angles, because my eating disorder and my recovery are complex and multifaceted. Yes, I am more than my eating disorder, but it has profoundly influenced my life, my mindset, and my development as a person, and I shouldn't have to hide such a fundamental part of myself from the world. Here I am.