writing is hard

Talking about my eating disorder is quite difficult, and so is writing about it. Instead of providing a soul-grabbing, emotion-stirring, thought-provoking monologue, here are some lists:

People who have made me feel bad about my body
My best friend in fifth grade, for being mean to me and running away from me at recess everyday
My mother, for many reasons
My little sister, indirectly because people always like her better and tell her she's pretty
The girls in my town, for being so confident and good at lacrosse

Things I have done to lose weight
Counted calories
Stopped eating carbs
Made myself throw up

Things I used to do everyday
Weigh myself
Look at myself in the mirror and cry
Pinch the skin on my thighs, and cry
Daydream about food
Wonder what death will be like
Yell at my mother, and then cry in my room alone

Things I am afraid of
Sandwiches
Rice
Speaking in class
Speaking in front of large audiences
Leaving the house without a jacket or shirt to cover my arms
The dark
Gaining weight
Being naked

Things that make me happy
Sunshine
Climbing mountains
Running through the woods
Chocolate
Friends who can make me laugh
Dresses
Iced coffee
Good dancers
My sister, because she actually is cooler than me

Things I've learned over the past few years
People are still nice to me even if I'm not thin
My presence and what I have to say is appreciated
My body is strong and I need it to be strong so I can run and hike
Food keeps my body strong

Recently my best friend who I thought was so strong and confident and safe relapsed. I felt like I was talking to a stranger- she hadn't eaten that day, and what she ate the night before she had thrown up. She had been doing this for two weeks. Mine had never been that bad- I never had that amount of control. But the feelings were familiar. Disgust at food entering your stomach, imagining it going to your thighs next. You are trapped. You can't remember a time when you didn't feel this way.

I haven't felt that way in a long time. More than my fear of gaining weight, I am afraid of relapse. I am so ridiculously happy right now, more than I ever could have imagined three or five or ten years ago. I wish I could show my ten-year-old self how amazing her life could be in the future, and thank her for keeping herself alive, even though she really didn't want to. But I doubt she would recognize me.

voices notes 2

I used to think that people wouldn't like me unless I was thin. That's because when I was little I was a bit overweight and no one liked me. Recently, my friend asked me when I decided to become "the sweetest person, like, ever." I told him it was after I was bullied in fifth grade. When all my friends stopped talking to me, I stopped talking to anyone, for a long while (or at least it felt that way). It was for maybe two years that I cringed at the sound of my own voice, expecting disapproval or seemingly harmless teasing; this fear follows me even today, when group discussions and participation points come close to giving me anxiety. I was conditioned to be as invisible as possible. Not being noticed was better.
I barely ate for about five years: it started by eliminating soda, then sweets, then all carbs. Sandwiches make me very nervous; so do rice and pasta. I ate 1200 calories every day, or fewer, if I could. My junior year of high school I started eating a lot, to cope with various stressors that all converged upon my life at once. I gaind weight, which stressed me more, and I ate more. I would make myself throw up after shoving half a pan of brownies down my throat. Every day I came home and weighed myself and cried alone in my bed and thought about what death would be like.
It's really hard to describe what happened to me, mainly for two reasons. The first is that I don't know how people will take it. I've only told close friends, and they've given me so much support and love both before and after I share my secrets that it makes me optimistic about telling more people. But I'm still wary of those who don't know me well and what their assumptions will be; this is only one part of me, not my whole person, and I would rather it not be the first thing people think of or refer to me as. And the second reason my story is difficult to tell is that it's so much- there are too many elements and factors and subplots that I have trouble remembering them all but I need to keep them straight and I need to give them all in one go. This story is unique, as each one is: it is not enough to say that I have an eating disorder, or that I was anorexic and bulimic and am in recovery. I need to tell the whole story.
It still comes back to me and affects many of the decisions I make in my day-to-day life. I am happier right now than I have ever been, but I still carry it with me and I can't imagine a time when I won't. Things have changed, though- I don't pinch the fat on my legs and imagine cutting it out with scissors. I don't start sobbing when I look at myself in the mirror- although I still do look.
When did I decide to become the "sweetest person, like, ever"? When I decided that what happened to me should not happen to anyone else. I deserve to enjoy my life, as do you.

sad!

I live in a universe where I can run seven miles and hate my body for being unfit the next day and I wish it wasn't like that

Conflict Theory Applied to Body Image and the Media

At what age did you go on your first diet? The prevalence of dieting, body dissatisfaction, and eating disorders in our society is alarming, especially since Americans consider concern about one’s weight to be normal. Body dissatisfaction has become so common and affects so many people- many of them teen- and college-aged women- that it is necessary to examine how and why this normalization occurred, and what can be done to create change. The way the media portrays body types and weight largely affects how society views and judges the way others and we look. Conflict theory, which argues that powerful groups and individuals use inequality to maintain order, can help explain the glorification of thinness by the power elite and media in America today, and why a complete overhaul of Americas’ standards for beauty is necessary to reduce the pervasiveness of eating disorders.

            Body dissatisfaction and eating disorders are becoming increasingly common, partially due to the influence of the media on body image. According to Wade, Keski-Rahkonen, & Hudson, over twenty million women and ten million men in America will be diagnosed with an eating disorder at some point in their lives (2011), and these numbers do not include those who privately suffer or are never diagnosed. Even those without full-fledged eating disorders are self-conscious about their bodies, leading to overall unhappiness and anxiety (Haworth-Heoppner 2000).

Researchers have observed that the increasing preoccupation with weight is linked to the unrealistic ideals promoted on television and in magazines. Adolescents idolize their favorite celebrities and want to act and look just like them, but many are unaware that the media uses digital manipulation such as Photoshop to make stars appear thinner (Bush Hitchon et al 2004). These ideals are often unattainable and women blame themselves for not being able to reach the “norm,” leading to body dissatisfaction (Choate 2007). Magazines associate thinness with beauty and attractiveness, and readers who do not develop eating disorders are also affected by these messages, and can experience anxiety over their appearance (Bush Hitchon et al 2004).

Besides the idolization of low weight celebrities, the media also blatantly disapproves of anyone outside the thin ideal. Television and magazines promote thinness as moral and being overweight as the opposite. In the past and in other cultures, being overweight and even obese was valued in a woman, as it signified the wealth of her father and later her husband. A “trophy wife” was one whose labor was not needed in order to provide for the family, so it was not necessary for her to be active or fit. Our ancestors associated thinness with illness or starvation, while being overweight was an attribute of the upper class. In twentieth century America, as consumerism became associated with immorality, so did being overweight. The media portrays overweight Americans as gluttonous, while society thinks of thinness as active, moral, and attractive. Those who are obese are considered to lack discipline, and it is seen as their own fault for not making healthy choices (Gruys and Saguy 2010). Along with the problem of exaltation of thinness, the media’s portrayal and thus society’s perception of obesity as innately wrong or bad must also change.

Conflict theory, developed by theorists including Max Weber, Karl Marx, and C. Wright Mills, can be used to explore body image portrayal and the media. Generally, conflict theory refers to the idea that there is dissension and conflict everywhere in society. Society is naturally stratified, with highly regarded individuals who hold wealth, power, and prestige at the top of the hierarchy. Karl Marx recognizes the bourgeoisie as the power-holders in society, and the proletariat as the oppressed working class. According to Marx, the bourgeoisie use power disparities to maintain the stratified social order. The ideas of the ruling class become popular culture, as those with a lower status strive to imitate those in power. Marx predicts a revolution in which the proletariat will overthrow the bourgeoisie and create a classless society. C. Wright Mills coined the term “sociological imagination,” which allows us to look at society through both history and our personal biographies. Mills names the members of the upper echelon “the power elite,” and agrees with Marx that these individuals hold positions in society that allow them to wield influence over others. Members of the power elite make decisions that have overarching effects on society and history. However, these individuals do not take responsibility for the effects of their actions and instead claim that events just “happen” (1956).

Conflict theory explains how social stratification has been maintained, and why some members of society are more likely to assume powerful roles.  However, this theory falls short in that it does not predict why or when people will work together, and does not explain the role of norms, values, and morality in society. Because of these limitations, functionalists such as Emile Durkham developed consensus theory, which asserts that society is naturally orderly and is static or is moving toward equilibrium, whereas conflict theory describes society as always changing and the social classes as conflicting instead of working together. Another shortcoming of Marx’s version of conflict theory is that the proletariat revolution did not happen (or has not yet happened).

Magazines and television are run by the powerful members of society, the power elite, and so represent the interests of this group. Because thinness is associated with the upper class in today’s society, it is also portrayed as being linked to power, success, and happiness (Bush Hitchin et al 2004). People want to be thin so they will more closely imitate the power elite. The media claims that anyone can make the personal decision to make healthy choices and be thin, and those who don’t are flawed and can be blamed for their lack of discipline. People with eating disorders, skewed in their perceptions of their own weights, blame themselves for lacking the discipline necessary to be thin, and therefore to be beautiful and powerful; it is their own personal flaw. However, a conflict theorist would look at the prevalence of eating disorders in society and ask why so many people have the same personal flaw, and if it is a personal flaw at all but instead a problem with society’s perception of thinness as the ideal. Even if all the Americans suffering from an eating disorder were to recover today, tomorrow there would be more people who begin to harbor a negative body image or exhibit behaviors associated with an eating disorder. In order to prevent eating disorders and body dissatisfaction from occurring at all, the societal standard of thinness as the ideal must change (Barkan 2012). As Marx described, a complete overhaul of society’s standards for beauty is necessary in order to change the way people think about body image.

Conflict theory does not perfectly analyze perception of body image in our society because eating disorders are not necessarily stratified according to class, class being one of the focuses of conflict theory (Crisp and McClelland 2001). Since eating disorders are not necessarily linked to social class, it would not be necessary to overthrow the elite as the rulers of society in order to change media portrayal of thinness, as Marx wanted. Instead, the current ideals of the elite and the whole society must change. Because the media has such an influence over society, it can actually aid this shift by portraying individuals of all shapes and sizes as healthy and normal, and not emphasizing dieting or losing weight as necessary to be happy or successful. However, because the power elite controls the media, this group must lead the shift. In the meantime, average Americans can be critical and aware of the unrealistic beauty standard the media portrays, and not let this cultural aspect affect the way their lifestyles and personal body image (Choate 2007).

Application of conflict theory to eating disorders, specifically body image and the media, can help the public understand that not conforming to the ideal of thinness does not indicate a lack of discipline, and is not a personal flaw. The media associates thinness with the power, wealth, and prestige of the power elite, and so Americans strive to imitate these individuals and be thin. In order to reduce the prevalence of body dissatisfaction and eating disorders, it will be necessary to completely change the way the power elite and media portray beauty. In the meantime, it is possible to be critical and aware of the media’s skewed beauty standards and begin to transition toward a healthier body image.

Works Cited

Barkan, Steven. 2012. A Primer on Social Problems. Creative Commons.  

Bush Hitchon, Jacqueline, Sung-Yeon Park, Shiela Reaves, and Gi Woong Yun. 2004.

“’You Can Never Be Too Thin’-or Can You? A Pilot Study on The Effects of

Digital Manipulation of Fashion Models’ Body Size, Leg Length, and Skin Color.”Race, Gender and Class 11(2):140-155. 

Choate, Laura Hensley. 2007. “Counseling Adolescent Girls for Body Image Resilience:

Strategies for School Counselors.” Professional School Counseling 10(3): 317-

326.

Crisp, A. and L. McClelland. 2001. “Anorexia nervosa and social class.” The

International Journal of Eating Disorders 29(2): 150-156.  

Mills, C. Wright. 1956. The Power Elite. New York: Oxford University Press.

Gruys, Kjerstin and Abigail C. Saguy. 2010. “Morality and Health: News Media

Constructions of Overweight and Eating Disorders.” Social Problems 57(2): 231-250.

Haworth-Hoeppner, Susan. 2000. “The Critical Shapes of Body Image: The Role of

Culture and Family in the Production of Eating Disorders.” Journal of Marriage and Family 62(1): 212-227.

Wade, T. D., Keski-Rahkonen A., & Hudson J. 2011. “Epidemiology of eating

disorders.” Pp. 343-360 in Textbook in Psychiatric Epidemiology, edited by M. Tsuang and M. Tohen. 3rd ed. New York: Wiley.

Una citazione

"I would rather be ten pounds heavier than have an ED again." -Madeline Killen

Madeline texted me this last night when I was majorly struggling with my body image and the weight I've gained here, and as I would say in Italian, mi ha colpito molto (it really hit me). Yes I've gained weight but it does not have to make me hate myself or give me anxiety. I would rather be happy than be thin. Maybe the problem is that I'm not super happy right now, but I'm not unhappy either. I'm excited to see what the next term will bring and am excited to be around my friends and do lots of things I love, like run and hike and go outside in the sunshine and just walk around campus.

Week 3: Inspirations and Influences

I never thought about the difference between inspirations and influences before reading the post on this subject on My Purple Dreams. 
Purple Dreamer's friend says: "I guess someone who inspires you motivates you, and someone who influences you impacts your behavior."
Madeline Killen says: "Influences blend into the finished product and inspirations just spark the process."
So very similar ideas. 
I like to think that every experience I have influences me. My eating disorder and problems with my mother have influenced me. My friends have influenced me- mostly by allowing me to take life at a slower pace, plan less, and worry less about my problems. My dad's ideologies and expectations have been a big influence on me, especially in terms of the value of education, honesty, and trying your best. My travels in Europe last summer influenced me- being around only my friend Sara, I felt that I was able to be myself all the time and by the end I felt so comfortable with my identity. The places I experienced and observed changed me, in a way I can't put my finger on. I was excited and enthusiastic, open, and ready to embrace life. My term in Italy has changed me in a different way- I think it's made me a lot more mellow and content, as opposed to wildly and intensely happy. I'm excited to return to Dartmouth soon and hope I can get that lovely happy feeling back. 
In terms of inspirations- my friends inspire me with their actions and words to make changes in my life and stay positive. I love cool art and sayings and I always read positive quotes online, especially when I'm feeling down. My friend Madeline inspired me to train for a marathon. Rome has inspired me to write this blog, because it made me feel the need to be creative. People at Dartmouth constantly inspire me- everyone has a different story and has had such special experiences and accomplishments. Instead of making me feel small they make me want to grow and be my best self and do all these cool things, too. 

All of my experiences and observations are tiny pieces that have aggregated and intertwined and become parts of my identity. 

L'atletismo

It's becoming difficult for me eating so much here and watching myself gain weight, but I'm leaving Friday and can go to London and eat much smaller portions, and then return to the US and eat whatever I want.
Something that's been hard for me to come to terms with is that what my body looks like does not necessarily correlate to my athleticism. I comfortably ran 10 miles Friday which is half marathon territory and I just decided that I want to train for a marathon. I am not out of shape. I've definitely lost a little muscle in my core from not doing any strength training, but being able to run for an hour and a half is nothing to sneeze at. Endurance wise, I'm in excellent shape.
On the other hand, I've gained about ten pounds here, meaning I'm heavier than I have ever been, and I feel like I don't look like an athlete anymore. It's a very weird balance between how I feel and how I see myself versus how I wonder other people see me, and I know I shouldn't care but inside I very much do. I think part of the problem is that the food I'm eating is delicious, but doesn't make me feel clean or healthy. My host mom presents me with a giant bowl of rice for dinner and then two pieces or focaccia. It's very heavy and I'm not benefitting my body. I'm very much looking forward to getting back and eating food that makes me feel good about myself.